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| When you ask a question, active listening helps you fully understand the answer! |
It only makes sense! Why ask the question if you don't plan to listen to the answer?
Active listening is the natural companion to asking thoughtful
questions. When you ask a question, active listening skills help you understand the
totality of another person's view, which is the goal of meaningful
conversation. To do that, you must listen with your entire body.
Culture Based On Trust
In the workplace, some leaders hear what they want to
hear! They're selective in who they talk to and avoid tough conversations. That
creates an information vacuum and culture that discourages employee
participation.
Team members seldom risk asking hard questions if they
don’t trust their leaders. They may say what their leader wants to
hear rather than offer alternate ideas.
Meaningful conversations seldom happen unless there is
trust. Building trust requires a safe, non-judgmental working environment free
from the threat of retribution.
Activating listening skills shows you are there to listen without an agenda, judgment, or preconceived ideas. A culture that elevates trust above status fosters transparency and comfort in sharing good or bad news.
Check out my previous post ...
How to Ask Questions That Matter!
Body Language Toolbox
Active listening engages a speaker using your entire
body. Body language tools combined with intensive listening lets the speaker
know you are zoned in on what they are saying and that they are the most
important person in the room.
Eliminate Distractions
Be fully present! That means not looking over the shoulder
of the person speaking or scrolling through your phone. Do not …
- Doodle
- Shuffle
papers
- Look
out of the window
- Scratch
in unusual places
I was backstage
talking with a celebrity Gospel singer. I was fully absorbed in our conversation until he removed his nail clippers from his pocket and started trimming his nails. It
may have been an unconscious habit he did when he felt relaxed, but I
found it off-putting.
The Patient Listener
The place to start when listening to a speaker is to
stop talking. Now!
Further, a disciplined listener never interrupts to 'talk-over' a speaker. Sometimes, it’s caused by mentally racing ahead, thinking you know what the other person will say before they finish talking.
Don’t do this. Not only will you miss things, but
you'll show a lack of respect.
Wait your turn. Respond only when the time is right. If
you missed something, it's okay to say:
"Help me understand
what you just said. Can you repeat your last point?"
Relationship Influences
Several factors influence conversations. The trick is
to make the person in the warehouse feel as valued as the person in the
C-Suite. Many factors influence conversations.
- Age
difference
- Gender difference
- Ethnicity
- Level of
authority
- An accent
- Personality
type
- Common
interests
Communicating across cultures can be
tricky. I attended a huge industrial show attended by 60,000 people from around
the world. I entered a packed mass transit train when going home and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with fellow passengers.
A seated Korean student stood, smiled, bowed slightly, and gestured for me to sit in his place. He obviously knew little English.
As a Canadian, I thought he was
there first and deserved the seat. He kept motioning for me to sit, and I continued to resist, failing to interpret his body language. Finally, a person
from the Middle East spoke up and said,
"Please sit down. In our cultures, we respect our elders!"
DOH! I immediately sat and thanked the student while
feeling slightly old.
Voice Activation
Answers are often influenced by the way you ask a question.
Modify your tone of voice by varying the seriousness, levity, intensity, energy,
or enthusiasm of your speaking style to fit the ebb and flow of the
conversation.
Having said that, slowing your delivery and speaking
slightly louder helps listeners understand what you're saying. If whispering, shouting,
mumbling, or machine-gunning describes your speaking style, stop it.
A Sad Day
Conversation always takes place within a context. You may
be in a busy factory, a quiet hallway, in the shipping department dodging
forklift loaders, the intimacy of a conference room, or amid a
lunchroom surrounded by noisy eaters.. It only makes sense to adjust your
communication skills to meet the situation.
When I was 18, I worked as a laboratory technician at a gas refinery about 30 km. west of town. I will never forget the day our plant Superintendent, Remmy Scarborough, came to tell me that my dad had suffered a heart attack and died.
Remmy was a big, rough, tough, loud Texan. When he
walked into a room, everyone knew he was the boss.
That day, I was collecting oil samples from giant
compressor engines for analysis. The building was filled with a constant rumbling.
Remmy traced my route through the various engine rooms until
he found me.
When I saw him, I could tell something was up. He
didn’t approach me as ‘the boss,’ but in a gentle way. He put his arm around my
shoulders and gave me the news using a soft voice only slightly louder than the
roar.
Then, he told a personal story that he knew what losing
your dad meant as he had lost his at a young age. I heard every word. Remmy
ended the conversation by saying with a conviction that let me know he meant
it. He said, "Your Mom needs you. Go home to her right away."
That brought me out of my shock and gave me an instant purpose.
I needed to be with my mom. I've never forgotten the compassion he showed in that
moment.
Body Language
•
Posture
•
Stance
•
Space
•
Hand gestures
•
Head movement
•
Facial expressions
•
Eye contact
Facial Expression
Facial expressions play a key role in active listening.
Your face can silently communicate empathy and understanding or seriousness or disapproval.
Positive facial expressions make us appear more
approachable and trustworthy. They provide physical evidence that we understand
what is being said.
They can help express emotions like;
- Happiness
- Sadness
- Anger
- Fear
- Surprise
- Disbelief
- Disgust
On the other side, recognizing and interpreting their facial
expressions help us interpret their emotions and feelings.
Smiling - Generally indicates happiness, friendliness, or agreement
Frowning - Can convey sadness, anger, or confusion
Raised Eyebrows - Often express surprise, skepticism, or curiosity
Furrowed Brow - Can indicate concentration, concern, or confusion
Wide Eyes - Can signal surprise, shock, or fear
Lip Biting - Can indicate hesitation, nervousness, or self-consciousness
Nodding - Can indicate agreement, understanding, or listening attentively
Head Shaking - Can indicate disagreement, denial
Personal Space
Communication experts often downplay the importance of personal space. To some people, standing too close to another person can seem aggressive and make the other person feel threatened. Standing too far apart can convey that you don’t care about the person and are disconnected from the conversation.
Russian President Vladimir Putin recently met with French President Emmanuel Macron in Moscow. They each sat at the end of a dining table about 30’ long.
Talk about personal distancing! They needed binoculars to read each other’s facial
expressions. It looked odd and left a negative impression of Putin, who was the
host.
Personal space is a cultural thing. Communicating with diverse
populations requires sensitivity and awareness.
Posture and Stance
You will send a
message if you ask a question and turn your back while the other person answers. This is an exaggeration, but it makes the point. On the other hand, facing the
other person full-front and too close can also be intimidating.
If you are taller
than the other person, standing face to face and looking down on them can be intimidating.
If you’re shorter, looking up to the person you are talking to can give you an elf
complex.
You can't do
anything about being too tall or too short. However, you can soften the body
language message by turning slightly to one side and taking a step back to change
the angle of how you look into the other person’s eyes.
Eye Contact
The
eyes are a window into the soul. Making positive eye contact while listening adds
to the engagement level.
A steady gaze can make
you seem aggressive or creepy. Too little eye contact can signal a lack of
interest. It may also signal a lack of self-confidence or that you feel you are
out of your depth.
Managing Eye Contact
- Look into one of the speaker’s eyes for about 5 seconds
- Move
your gaze to the other eye for another 5 seconds
- Move your gaze to their mouth or chin
- Repeat the rotation as the conversation progresses
Periodically, look
slightly up or to the side to let the speaker know you are absorbing what they
are saying and are thinking about it. Looking down at the floor can signal you
want to end the conversation but aren't sure how to do it.
Hearing Aides
Have you spoken to someone only to realize they’d heard only a fraction of what you said? My cousin had an annoying habit of nodding and saying,
Then he would make a comment that let me know he hadn't heard me at all."I hear ya, I hear ya!"
Physicalizing, combined with short verbal sounds, lets the speaker know you absorb what they are saying. That doesn't mean you are
in total agreement, but you are letting them know their opinion is valid.
Nodding your head 'yes'
at the appropriate place can be enforced with something like ...
· ... WOW
· ... Interesting
· ... I
agree
· ... That's
amazing
· ... I understand
· ... That makes perfect sense
· ... Mmmm
Shaking your head 'no' in the right places can be enforced by saying
something like ...
· ... Really
· ... That's
disturbing
· ... That's
bizarre!
· ... No
way
· ... Of course
· ... What
· ... Oh
my
· ... Mmmm
Note Taking
If taking written notes, avoid writing every word. Jot down important words or phrases you can expand on after the conversation. I write while periodically looking into the eyes of the speaker.
If you’re conversation is loaded with critical information, ask permission to record it. You can record it using an AI transcription software that immediately translates the audio into text.
I have used Otter.ai for several years. It’s ideal for transcribing prerecorded audio or video files or live conversations as they unfold. I periodically use the Word Office Dictation option as well.
- Otter.ai
- Microsoft Transcribe in Word
- Rev
- oTranscribe
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